My story :: Part I
It takes courage to answer our deepest calling, follow the way of the heart and embrace a life led by the soul.
While we may feel this incredible life calling us from within, it may simultaneously feel so scary to open to it.
12 years ago I quit my day job to surrendered to what was rising in me, which was an unexplainable and powerful force.
I didn’t know what I was saying yes to. I didn’t know where it would take me. I just knew that I needed to give myself fully to it.
May my story inspire and support you on your own journey of answering your highest calling, sharing your unique gifts and creating a life you love.
From my heart to yours…
— Marita
In the fall of 2011 I made the decision to quit my corporate job that was out of alignment with my higher calling and purpose.
In February 2012, at the age of 27, I left behind my comfortable and secure life in Norway, and moved to an island in the Caribbean.
All I knew was that I was here for “something more”, and that I was ready to find out what this “more” was. I left everything else up to the Universe.
Why did I move to the Caribbean? Well, I followed what felt most exciting to me at the time which was surfing, salsa dancing and the Spanish language. That was pretty much it. All of these three things made me light up like thousand suns! I also had a connection to the Caribbean having been here when I was 11 years old, and I’d always wanted to return.
In the weeks and days prior to my departure I was so nervous, and cried several times because I was just so afraid of this big leap, and I didn’t even know what I was thinking. But I wasn’t guided by my thoughts, and it wasn’t the logical mind that had brought me here.
It was my heart.
It had taken me my entire life up to the age of 27 to finally let my heart lead. I’d never before had the courage. Never before had I trusted myself and this unexplainable wisdom within enough to let it lead me.
I was traveling alone. I’d never really done that before. I always had someone with me. I was really scared of doing things alone, and this had somehow held me back for years- perhaps always.
THE MAGIC WITHIN
Since I was a child I had always felt different. I felt like a world existed within me that was full of magic and miracles. I felt life as an adventure full of possibilities. I just didn’t know how to access this “magical land” and this extraordinary life that I felt so deep within.
My heart had been calling me for “the more” for as long as I could remember. But I just never believed in myself enough to open up to it. I looked to people around me if they too felt this kind of magic, and when it seemed like they didn’t, I decided to just tuck it away…
“If I am the only one feeling this, it can’t be real”.
How could it be possible that life was as wonderful and magical as I felt within me, when people seemed to default to “life is a struggle” and the only way through it is to work really hard, while abandoning yourself and your dreams in the process. Basically just survive and somehow “fit in”.
I carried a story and a belief of being unlovable, so I went with “what everyone else was doing” to try to be loved.
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I had BIG dreams. The year I turned 19 and was done with school I had such a yearning to let my wild spirit lead the way. I wanted DEEPLY to lean into the world of magic I felt within, and let myself live free. I wanted to travel. I wanted to let my unique aliveness guide me, I wanted to SAY YES to all my dreams and just see what would happen from there. I somehow knew I was supported deeply if I summoned the courage to align my life with the subtle whispers of the soul.
But I didn’t.
To follow my hearts true calling felt like too big of a risk. I wasn’t ready to answer it because I was afraid of what I might lose in the process. There was too much at stake.
So I hid the parts of me longing to be seen, and tried to fit in instead.
As I rejected the callings of my soul, denied myself living the life I wanted to live and suppressed so many emotions— I found myself in a depression at a young age. I had so many dreams, but kept pushing them way. I felt things so deeply, but didn’t know what to do with it. I made choices based on what would be accepted, approved and liked - not based on my own inner guidance.
The more I did this, the further I drifted away from myself. I got further and further away from the magic within…. I couldn’t even feel it anymore.
I abandoned myself and my own needs in order to please others and somehow feel accepted and loved. Because of my own inner story of not ever being enough, I tried to somehow prove that I was…
As a result I developed behaviours of over-giving and over-extending myself, trying to prove my worth, placing the needs of others above my own, and constantly worry what other people would think of me.
I didn’t know how to honor my feminine energy and cyclical nature, and so I pushed forward rather than leaning in, which left me feeling so exhausted.
I was ashamed of the ‘real me’, and I constantly tried to fit in. I would seek distractions and ways to cover up the pain of living a life that wasn’t my own. I struggled with depression and anxiety, constant worry, self-doubt, low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness.
I was highly sensitive to energies and felt things deeply, but I just didn’t know how to go about it. I didn’t have a support system that helped me to know my true self and realise the gifts of my sensitivity. I had no tools or awareness on how to handle it, and I just felt so out of place. I silenced my voice. My sensitivity felt more like a burden than anything else, and often times I wished I was different.
I carried a weight on my shoulders that eventually became too much to carry, and I fell apart.
I was 25 at the time, and the breakdown was a spiritual awakening and a starting point for a new life for me.
THE SHIFT
I was taken to the emergency room in a wheel cheer as I was unable to walk. I laid on a bed in the emergency room and cried because of the intense physical pain I was in— and the even deeper state of fear.
When I was given a room the nurses had to give me IV treatment of muscle relaxer to take me out of the pain and full-body tension that I was in. I felt my body finally relaxing, and I drifted off into sleep. But upon awaking the tension and pain was still there, and more medicine was given to help me relax.
When things were finally back to normal (which took many hours) and after multiple doctors having examined me and concluded with “there's nothing wrong with you”, I knew in my heart what this was all about…..
Upon returning from the hospital I needed 3 months to recover. It was a complete reset. I had to start again. I began asking many questions about my life.
During my recovery I started meditating in my living room without ever having been taught it, or ever having practiced it before. After the recovery period I became a devoted student of yoga.
Things started to change, and I started to change. Three years later I gave up the life I knew to finally answer the calling of my heart. I set out to explore the world seeking to find my truth.
I moved to the Caribbean, and for the first time in a long time, I felt alive.
The dream of living free was finally bigger than the fear of being me.
A NEW LIFE
While living in the Caribbean I deepened my yoga practice, and I began inspiring women through my way of life. To simply be ME felt incredible, and for the first time in my life I truly felt that I was living! Not just getting by…
I returned to Norway after a year to complete a few months at the office, before I could officially resign. Later that year I moved to Hawaii.
There were so much positive things going on in my life. I was on a new path, the path of the heart, but I still had unhealed wounds within that was a driving force, and I had gotten myself involved in what ended up to be five years in a toxic and emotional abusive on-off relationship rollercoaster.
These years were deeply intense. Full of hardship, beauty, celebrations, heartache, tears of joy and tears of sadness— and at times a pain so deep that I didn't know if I could take anymore.
I learned that life will never give us more than we can handle… even if it feels so.
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The Hawaiian Islands were like a Mother who held me close, loved me fully, and initiated me deeper into the Mysteries of the Goddess. She woke something in me. She activated a deeper knowing. She held me and she nurtured me. She gave me space to grow and evolve. I didn’t know it then, but the Ancient Land of Lemuria had called me home.
In 2014 I was introduced to essential oils. A couple of days prior I had asked the Universe to give me a big clear sign on the direction of my life. A few days later the oils “landed in my lap”.
These pure oils stirred a deep remembering within me. It was a vibrational thing, and I somehow knew that essential oils were powerful energy medicine that was here to massively shift my life.
I felt both Heaven and Earth calling me home through the oils. The medicine and wisdom of this plant medicine felt like something very ancient. It was one of the strongest knowings: I was to share the healings gifts of essential oils and bring through this potent medicine knowing it would support the greater good of all.
As I embraced this medicine, I experienced major shifts in my physical, emotional and mental health. Supported by the oils, as well as other lifestyle changes, I healed my gut after an entire life with digestive issues. I also healed my allergies that had been a big problem for me since a child.
I devoted myself to studies centred around physical healing with natural remedies, diet and lifestyle. I was strongly guided to purify my physical body through food, natural remedies and daily spiritual practices.
I taught myself to be my own medicine woman and healer. I remember when I got a urinary tract infection, and healed it myself within only a couple days, using only essential oils. And when I one night woke up with an ear infection, and I treated it right there and then— feeling completely pain free the next day. No need for a doctor or antibiotics…
I wanted ALL women to know how to do this. I wanted all women to feel empowered and knowing how to take care of themselves and their families with natural remedies.
The oils became my allies. They gave me a kick in the butt to be MORE of ME, and let my passions, wisdom and yoga-lifestyle also be my business.
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So much was opening in my life, it was a blessing and I was so grateful. At the same time I lived within the walls of a toxic relationship that was weighting heavy on me, and I carried a deep sadness within my heart. I felt so stuck within the belief and feelings of being so completely unlovable. I felt stuck within this relationship that was tearing me apart.
I felt so ashamed for finding myself in a situation like this. I felt incredibly weak. I felt like a failure. I felt alone.
There were times I woke up in the morning with all of my body aching from the emotional stress I was in, and I just wished I could go back to sleep where I was free from this pain. There were times where my heart hurt so bad, I was surprised it was still beating. Everything was hurting, and I didn't know how much more I could take.
I felt deeply alone in my pain, but I also struggled to open up about it as it felt too messy, too deep, too much.
December 2014:
“I lay crumbled on the floor. The warm tiles feels like comfort to my skin and I have no desire of ever getting up. I used to feel it all and now I don’t feel anything. Instead I feel numb, but the numbness is worse than the pain. I am so tired. But most of all I am tired of being tired and feeling so alone in this world.”
Hitting rock bottom lasted many months for me…there was then a spesific moment that changed it all. While my breakdown at 25 was in truth a moment of awakening, in the spring of 2015 I experienced another one.
I woke one morning…wishing that I hadn’t.
It’s an absolutely awful feeling and place to be in. I crawled myself out of bed, and onto the floor, and cried until there were no more tears to cry.
Something happened this morning that would change the course of my life. I cannot explain any of this, but I felt this indescribable force within me and around me. It sparked something in me.
I then made a promise to myself that I would lift myself out of this. I would fully commit to my rising, and I would never give up.
I felt throughout my whole entire being: No woman should ever feel this pain. This isn’t who we are! All of the painful things that I had been through….I was gonna turn this into medicine for not only me, but every single woman who would be open and willing to receive it.
I then picked myself up from the floor.
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Later that year, while still living in Hawaii, I completed a Yoga Teacher Training— and VERY randomly also ended up attending an Energy Healing course (of course not so random).
Suddenly so many tings started to become clear. I’d been so sensitive to energies all my life, and this superpower began to reveal itself more and more. Things accelerated. My healing gifts grew very quickly, like it had just been dormant there all this time, and now it was in full force. I felt big energies moving through my body. Like it had just been waiting to express itself and support people through my voice, my presence and my being.
I somehow knew, without possibly being able to explain it, how to infuse the essential oils into my work as a healer. Like I had known this way of healing and living for lifetimes….
When I allowed myself to go beyond what the “me” was trying to do and wanting to say, and what “I” thougth was right, there was a higher intelligence that flowed through me. I just felt a really pure, wise and loving energy flowing through me, and that it really wasn’t “me” who was doing anything.
I was just the vessel.
I trusted it more and more. I trusted myself more and more. I saw what happened when I just allowed myself to be the vessel, and I wanted this force of good to reach further.
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I felt a new ”inner guidance” that called me to open up for a new chapter. Part of that included leaving Hawaii. I knew I needed to leave to discover more of my true self and anchor more of my role of service.
I once again left my comfort zone. I hosted a garage sale and sold my belongings. I left Hawaii which had been my home for 2,5 years and had been such a deep safe cocoon for me.
In the following 4,5 years I had the privilege of teaching in many different countries around the world— including returning to Hawaii several times for visits.
I continued to deepen my own healing journey, and letting my heart lead the way.
I kept my promise: I never gave up.
But that didn’t mean it was easy…
I fell many times as my path continued. But something had changed… it was like a light was shining brighter within me…
I had softened… Help was always close, because somehow I had opened for it. I felt an energy holding me and carrying me forward when things got hard. I felt this indescribable feeling that even though things were still really difficult at times, I would always be okay and that the light within me, and around me, was more powerful than anything else.
I began to see that it was all about embracing this light, and that as I did, I would help others do the same. And this was the very thing that I was on this planet for…..
My own journey, the pain I had experienced, the softening into it all and allowing myself to just be me… human.. with flaws and all…opened up spaces of love that was so beautiful.
If love wasn’t outside of me, then it included me, and then that meant loving ALL of me……
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In that moment some months prior when I had committed to my rising, I had answered an ancient call of the Goddess, and it had led me to be more me…..
Human. Messy. Vulnerable.
I began sharing raw, authentic and vulnerable stories of my life publicly. I wrote my most intimate stories, and I put my heart out there for everyone to see.
I was often told how brave I was to be so vulnerable publicly. But it didn’t really feel like a big deal to me. I fiercely devoted myself to being the leader I once wished I had.
Because when I was 20 and depressed, when I was 25 and experienced a nervous breakdown because I didn’t know how to cope with the world, when I was 29 and had settled myself into an emotional abusive relationship that ripped my heart into pieces and brought me into a darkness so dark I never though I would find the light again…
….I so badly wished I had someone in my life who would remind me that I was not crazy, that there wasn’t anything terribly wrong with me, and that I was not alone feeling what I was feeling.
I dreamed of the kind of leader that I now decided to become.
As I continued to speak up about my personal journey, I realised that the core belief and feeling was very much the same for so many women.
I learned that vulnerability is our greatest strength, and a force that unites us.
Perhaps one woman’s story is every woman’s story, and we are so intimately connected that what I feel you have also felt, even if our experiences may have been different.
I learned that while it may have to get dark so we can find the light, it sure helps to have a guiding hand as we navigate the darkness. As I had navigated my own, I was able to support many women who were currently navigating theirs.
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Stay tuned for part II of the story….
Ps. During some of my lowest moments, when I just wanted to be free and I just wanted a new life away from all the pain, I felt so ashamed and so alone. I felt like a failure and I lived with so much resentment.
My article loving your human self is based upon the moment of realising that I was rejecting myself and my humanity…..and as long as I did that, I would not be able to anchor the light, live free and be all that I knew I came here to be.
Scroll down to read one of my poems….👇🏻
I hope you never loose your sense of magic and wonder.
Promise me that you’ll never give up
Fall as many times as you need
but my darling
Rise again and again
I hope you dance often
laugh more
but cry when you need to
I hope you never fear what life has to offer
but let your courageous
Soul lead you
and continue to live with an open heart
I hope you choose love
again and again
as many times as needed
It is the miracle that no one can ever take away from you
I hope you take the time to
watch the stars
and the moon
Smell the flowers
and swim the sea
I hope you watch as many sunrises and sunsets as you can
and as you notice this beauty
that you are surrounded by
I hope you notice Your own..
..and realize that without you
This world is not complete
Above else
I hope you know
that love is already here….
….for it is you